A Living Room Stories “Wisdom For My Younger Self” story by Carolyn Dalgliesh
Presented April 3, 2014 at The Living Room
There you are at about 10 years old looking out the third floor window as tears stream down your face. Your sister had been missing for a few hours and you were filled with fear and sadness that something horrible had happened. You begin to pick-up the bedroom that you and your sister share and you notice how this helps calm the chaos you are feeling inside. The organized external environment settles the overwhelmed inside. A wave a relief fills you when hear your sister has been found safely but an important pattern has started.
A sweet, feeling girl, you are often overwhelmed by what the world presents to you and this becomes a major obstacle and also one of your strongest gifts. You are soft and round and hear often “you have such a pretty face” which you begin to learn is code for “you should lose a few pounds”. But this softness your body has makes you feel safe and protected. Throughout your life, you often hold back as you work through the worst case scenario in your head in almost any situation. But you also have a few experiences of unexpected courage – times when you do something so far outside of your comfort zone that you begin to see you hold a hidden strength deep within you.
I stand before you today still holding some roundness and softness though I don’t appreciate it’s purpose like I did years ago.
I still often hold back in life as I work through the worse case scenario in my head.
I still embrace the power of organizing the external environment to support my internal chaos. But I see that it is my bridge to connecting the way I think life should be and the way life actually is.
So here I am – someone who has organized my whole life and then I go and fall in love my complete opposite – I fall in love with Chaos. He is name is RON. He is big, loud, and messy. Surprisingly – I am able to adjust to his chaos and actually begin to appreciate it.
Then on April 11, 2001 chaos came in a 7 1/2 lb package. I feel instant love and instant fear. As my child begins to grow and show signs of developmental delays – I begin to feel I have a child I don’t think I’m supposed to have, one that I don’t think I’ll be able to support, one who is on a path I don’t think he’s supposed to be on. HE IS, in a nutshell, The Extreme version of my overwhelmed younger self. Ironically – he craves the very structure I had started to move away from.
But this child, and his sister who came along soon after, come with many lessons – the most important being the gift of investigating a few important illusions I had grown up believing.
1) The illusion of Parent / Child Organizational Chart
- I believed in the illusion of the parent being in control
- That the Parent would teach the child
- That I was leader of the ship
2) The Illusion of my story as the Parent of a Special Needs Child
- This illusion allowed me to Play out the Role of VICTIM
- Explore the belief that children are supposed to be a certain way
- The illusion that my child was the one with special needs vs. me being the one with the special needs.
3) The Illusion that Chaos is something that can be Controlled
- For me – focusing on details in a situation can be a pattern of resistance
- Explore the idea that perfection is often rooted in guilt
- Like many other external forces, Chaos / Clutter only have the power I have given it
13 years later – here I am. I wrote a called a book called “The Sensory Child Gets Organized” – something surprising on so many levels. One being that I almost failed English in middle school multiple times and have the attention span of gnat. Another being my propensity to control things – something that can get in the way when you are working with a big publishing house. But with this book – I learned to LET GO in ways that I had never been able to before and while the goal of this book was to help parents, the book helped me infinitely more. I’m thinking my next book should be “The Sensory Parent Learns to Let Go – The Journey of Letting go of Illusions and Finding Truth”.
The Wisdom I would share with my younger self turns my old beliefs upside down:
TRUTH: The Child Often Teaches the Parent
* Your Children come with wisdom
There will be a time when you will lecture your son on his resistant behavior as a new tween and he will look at you and say “It must be hard for you to teach me to be independent and not need you anymore”. He will see the truth before you do – that you are the resistant one – resistant about letting him go.
The time you will push your 9 year old daughter into therapy because of your “challenging family experience” and her response was “I think you need the therapy -You get so attached to things”. And she will be right.
* Know that Your Children will Teach You: One will show you what you’re here to do with your life and the Other will teach you about yourself.
TRUTH: The Only Special Need is Your Thinking
Your unexpected parenting experience will be your opportunity to unplug from illusions – take it!
The journey will not be about accepting your children exactly as they are but in accepting yourself exactly as you are.
TRUTH: Life is Chaos
Learn to use organization and structure as a path to forgiveness and acceptance vs. a way to control a situation
Learn to live through your own internal wisdom vs. the external plan. Like your children, you came here with wisdom too – you’ve just forgotten how to listen to it.
My biggest piece of wisdom for you – my younger self – is to learn how to EMBRACE CHAOS. Know that truth is stronger than chaos. Like this image behind me – the pieces of chaos in life can look rough and disconnected when analyzed separately but when you let go and allow them to come together for the greater purpose, a beautiful story will emerge.
A “Wisdom For My Younger Self” Living Room Stories Talk by Betsy Fenik
Here are 7 things I’d tell my younger self:
- Believe in yourself
- Keep going no matter what
- Embrace uncertainty
- Learn that it’s ok to be uncomfortable
- Fear is good
- Connections are what matter
- listen to Glinda
This is the story of how I came to believe these things and more importantly what came after.
In 2004, after a brief, but serious illness I had the worst day of my life. I was diagnosed with MDS, an often-fatal pre-leukemia disorder of the bone marrow. Knowing that I could very well die from this I was instantly overwhelmed with regrets. I had wasted so much time living in fear and being stuck.
- stuck in a job that I didn’t really like
- stuck over what I really wanted to do or be, never having had the confidence or courage to do it.
- stuck in a battle with my body, hating it, mistreating it with food and cigarettes.
I was paralyzed in my life, unhappy, unhealthy and afraid then while being treated for MDS, a medication caused my spleen to rupture and the operation to remove it almost killed me. I was put into a medically induced coma in order to heal and was given a 3 week time-out from life.
I awoke to find some things had changed and some things sadly had not. I was suddenly a non-smoker and had lost 30 pounds, but I still had cancer and we hadn’t even begun to deal with that.
I was scared – no, I was terrified. Every minute it seemed as if there were a choir in my head screaming “you’re going to die”. My only relief was to drown them out by playing Aerosmith at full volume through the headphones. I was faced with and lived through months of limbo, my moods dictated by my endless blood test numbers, my weeks filled with doctor visits and all day blood transfusions and most of all the fear that none of this would be enough to save me. Emotionally I felt completely disconnected from the universe as if all of creation had turned its back on me and I had been banished. I have never felt so alone.
I spent a lot of time thinking of all the things I might never do
- would I live to see the age of 50?
- would I grow old with my husband Cliffe?
- would I die and leave my parents heartbroken and defeated?
- I certainly would never make it back to Italy where we had just purchased a home – our dream come true.
The list went on and on.
Somehow, one day at a time, sometimes 5 minutes at a time I kept going. I guess I didn’t know what else to do. My husband, parents and friends propped me up and showered me with love and sometimes I only kept going for them. They believed that I would recover so I needed to believe it too.
We tried to do normal things. Dinner out, vacation, celebrated birthdays kept living and the days passed one by one, very slowly. I bought anew camera and making pictures was another way I could keep my mind from racing to that bad place of certain death. Having much time on my hands I also thought about what I would do if I did indeed survive. I knew that given a second chance I would never take life for granted nor would I waste a single second being stuck and afraid.
I would really LIVE if only I could live.
By the late Fall – 9 months later – we found out that the MDS had become leukemia, my bone marrow was not going to repair itself and that my only chance was a risky bone marrow transplant. This procedure involved severe chemotherapy that would kill my bone marrow leaving me without an immune system and if my donor’s cells didn’t take I was screwed. I’d be locked up in that isolation room until I died of an infection.
This all seemed so huge and scary. It was weird science to me, like a dream or a movie of someone else, but it was a plan. It was taking action, fighting what I knew had been coming all summer. It was time to do battle and although terrified, I knew it was my only chance and that I had to trust my doctor and more than that, I had to believe in myself. Believe that I could heal, believe that I would recover and that there was a reason for me to stick around. There was a place in the universe for me.
I wasn’t at all sure of what that place was or who I would be, but I began to feel more comfortable with the uncertainty. Not that I was actually embracing it, but discomfort was beginning to be less awful now that we were in the fight. I knew that only by risking it all, by crossing the point of no return could I recover and begin again.
This big, scary plan was certainly better than the limbo in which I had existed for nearly a year.So between January and late June, I
- had a bone marrow transplant
- physically went to hell and slowly came back
- spent 5 weeks in the isolation unit of the hospital and 5 weeks in a cool apartment next door to the hospital
- lost all my hair
- rocked the bald, masked, gloved with big earrings look
- came home and continued the slow recovery from near death
- bought a new car – can you believe they gave me a 5 year loan???
I also began planning to do the things on that list I made the first few days after my diagnosis. I felt so lucky to be alive and traveling again. We went to our first NASCAR race and I, having been a closet car racing fan for years loved every minute of that show. We made it back to Italy. We reconnected with friends and life began to take shape again piece by piece.
I knew that I didn’t want my old life back, that fearful, stuck existence. I wanted adventure, growth, expression and a real connection to the universe and others. Like Maya Angelou said “The need for change bulldozed a road down the center of my mind”. I started therapy and began a journey to discover the reasons I was so afraid of life. Again, it was a big, scary undertaking but hey, I’d just survived a burst spleen, a coma, 9 months of mental, physical and emotional torture and a bone marrow transplant so this surely wouldn’t stop me. I was using what I’d learned about my strength and grit to get me through the next challenge. Besides, I’d already come so far and invested so much I couldn’t quit. Anytime I felt like it was too much I’d think this is nowhere near as bad as my worst day and I got through it.
But physical and emotional recovery were only the start. I wanted to really LIVE. In capital letters. I wanted to pursue my lifelong hobby of photography in a much more serious way. My new camera was my tool and I threw myself into making photos with wild abandon. Photos that no one ever saw because I cared so much about my art that I couldn’t bear the thought of rejection. I made thousands of images, poured over them and then put them safely away. I told myself that they were just for me anyway, but down deep I knew that I wanted to launch them into the world and share them with others. Once again fear and discomfort were holding me back.
Then I met Deb Walsh who told me to hang out with my own tribe (artists) and that my life was a story and I should be the hero. I had never thought of it that way, but I realized that it WAS my story and that I was writing it and that I pretty much controlled what was next and how I would live it. The uncertainty of what would happen was fine because whatever it was, I’d always have me. I was scared, but that’s because this was another big plan, but I knew that I was getting good at big plans. My discomfort meant that I was learning and growing. My fear told me that my plan was plenty big. And besides, nothing would ever feel as bad as my worst day.
So I made and published a website of my photographs, entered some in local art shows and went back to school at RISD taking photography, digital media and printing courses. There I met other photographers and began hanging out with my tribe, eventually joining them on a photographic delegation to Cuba this past January.
At the beginning of 2014 I set some intentions for the year aimed at pushing myself and my boundaries. I would say yes, not no, to things. I would take risks, investigate uncharted territory and seek what’s next. That’s why I’m here tonight, public speaking being one of the things I always said no to. But what I want to share with you is the thing that took so much for me to learn. You don’t need a diagnosis to spark the changes you desire.
You don’t have to nearly lose everything to gain your true life.
All you need to do is:
- Believe in yourself
- Keep going no matter what
- embrace uncertainty – that’s where the growth is
- know that you will be uncomfortable and that’s ok
- Welcome fear – then you’ll know your plans are big enough
- get connected to your tribe and the universe and
- remember as Glinda said, “you’ve had the power all along, my dear you just needed to learn it for yourself.
To learn more about Betsy and her work at Betsy Fenik Photography, visit http://www.betsyfenikphotography.com/
It’s been a little over a year since Lois Kelly of Foghound graced Living Room Stories v1: Beginnings and Endings. We managed to slow her down long enough to fill us in on all that’s inspired and transpired with Lois since our inaugural event. Read on…
TLR: So what have you been doing since we last saw you?
This has been a transition year for me. My husband was in a serious accident last summer and I had to learn how to care for him in ways I never thought I could do, both physically and mentally. (He’s much better now!) My son left for college. I completed work for some long-term clients and began exciting work for new people and organizations. It was like a metaphorical yearlong winter, and then spring started popping in November with all kinds of extraordinary surprises on the personal and professional fronts.
TLR: What are the questions you’re asking yourself lately?
How can I lead life of learning, creativity and beauty? How can I use this question to guide what I say yes or no to?
TLR: What are you reading and/or what books are you recommending lately?
- Every morning: I start my day reading the poem from Garrison Keillor’s “Writers Almanac.”
- Non-fiction: The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg
- Fiction: The Goldfinch by Donna Tart
TLR: Most interesting adventure you’ve taken lately (actual or metaphorical)?
Spur of the moment trip in November to Vienna with two friends to visit my friend Yvonne whose husband recently died. The conversations over four days filled our souls. We laughed, debated, pondered, shared fears, gave frank fashion and career advice, and dreamed aloud. Though there was little sleep, the intensity of our caring, vulnerability, and joy filled my proverbial gas tank. From Vienna I went to Zurich to facilitate a strategic planning session for a big bank and it went so well because I was mentally replenished from being in a “no work zone.” Here’s a poem I sent to my friend Yvonne after the trip:
Things wilt, freeze, fall.
Days are darker.
The sun sets in a new corner.
The sky slips into pink and
we notice flowers standing tall and brilliant.
The surprise wakes us up.
There is more.
TLR: What’s the most unforgettable lesson you’ve learned in the past year?
That living fearlessness is a responsibility for me. It helps others not be afraid. (Note: there’s a difference between fearlessness and recklessness.)
TLR: What have you let go of since we last talked?
Worrying ahead. Thinking I need to be the person with the answers. I realize that my value is having the processes to help people in organizations find their own best answers. I’m also about to walk away from my traditional web site and reimagine my professional identity.
TLR: What are you most looking forward to at the moment?
Learning: Participating in the ALIA Summer Intensive in Tacoma, Washington in June. The theme: “Courageous Leadership: Transforming, Self, Systems, Society.”
Creativity: Helping organizations achieve more meaning in their work through a very different and powerful way to do strategic planning. Empowering more women through my “Free Your Inner Rebel” workshops. Committing to writing 10 shape-shifting stories this year.
Beauty: Exploring the art scene in Miami. Spending more time next summer in the woods at my rustic (no running water) cottage in the White Mountains. Maybe finally finding the perfect shade of lipstick and beige shoes in a size 5.